Dear Drift: E-mail break-ins, Gummi Bears and fist pumping

DEAR DRIFT …

Every month, the Drift staff will answer your questions about life. No subject is taboo: work sex, love, burritos, music, movies, etiquette, whatever. You ask, we answer.

Have a question? E-mail us at editor@surfthedrift.com.

My boyfriend has a bit of a jealousy problem. Recently, I found out he’s been snooping through my e-mail account. I don’t think I’ve given him any reason to be jealous, and when I confronted him about it, he said he “was just curious” and he hasn’t acted mad at me. Still, I feel violated. I’m afraid to bring it up again because I really like him, but I kinda feel like I need to. Any advice?
– Amy

So, let’s get this straight:

1) Your boyfriend has a “jealousy problem.”
2) He broke into your e-mail.
3) You really like him.

Huh? Amy, you sound very nice. Too nice. Wake the hell up and get out of this terrifying relationship.

Sometimes you get so deep into relationships that you can’t see the giant reality in front of your face. You feel like you’ve invested so much time that you’re willing to put up with whatever your partner does. And hey, you’re not perfect either. So this over-the-line invasion of your privacy is totally OK.

No, Amy, it’s not.

By itself, an unauthorized e-mail break-in is grounds for a gigantic fight. In this situation, it’s the last straw. Move on, Amy. Trust us.

Remember — the best themes are accessible to the bastards who don’t have the cajones to actually dress up while giving the die-hards a chance to go all out.

Some good ones:

* Jersey Shore – A gloriously tacky invitation for fist-pumping, Jager-bombing and hair-gelling. Good times all around. Bonus points if you put 5-lb weights all around the house so people can do curls while they chat in bad accents.

* Tiger Woods Party – The guys get to dress up in ridiculous golf outfits (think Caddyshack). The girls get to choose between cheap cocktail waitress, Hooters waitress, dirty club girl, porn star or the female lawyer of any of the accusing ladies!

* Red, White & Blue – A perfect 4th of July party. People can come in all white, all blue, all red, or just wrapped up in nothing but the stars and stripes. Add some tubs of Budweiser tall boys and bottles of Miller High Life with a little John Cougar Mellancamp on the stereo and you got yourself a shindig.

Kesha has ruined the first half of 2010 for me. (No, I will not write her name with a freaking dollar sign.) At first, I let “Tic Tok” into my head because I thought I was being funny and ironic. Now I would like to take a weedwacker to my ears.

Mark, I definitely understand. You know another one that gets me? That 80s gem, “King of Wishful Thinking.” Don’t ask me why, but it gets lodged into my head every now and then like a stray bullet.

Also, don’t ever tell your friends which songs drive you insane. I made the mistake of telling a buddy of this affliction, and now when we’re on the golf course he’ll just randomly start singing it at me, knowing full well it will invade my head like that horrifying brain bug thing from Star Trek.

Anyway, the key to defeating brain bug songs is to have some equally catchy alternatives you don’t mind humming for next 5 hours. My current list of acceptable alternatives includes:

* “Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie
* “Lovely Day” by Bill Withers
* “Stressed Out” by Tribe Called Quest
* “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” by Michael Jackson
* Gummi Bears cartoon theme song