Dear Drift: Mustaches and the ultimate relationship test

Every month, the Drift staff will answer your questions about life. No subject is taboo: work, sex, love, burritos, music, movies, etiquette, whatever. You ask, we answer.

Have a question? E-mail us at editor@surfthedrift.com.

Dear Drift,
If I eat a lot of fish tacos etc., will it make my moustache grow longer and faster?
– Love, Jay S.

Uh, Jay does not mean fish tacos. How do we know? His original e-mail included another enjoyable food euphemism for the lady parts. So, let’s all get our brains in the gutter and do some science, shall we?

After zero tests, we have come to the following conclusion: Probably not.

Mostly because you very rarely see lesbians with shaving cuts on their faces. HEY OH! We’ll be here all week. Please tip your waitresses.

And Jay, we love you too.

Come on, Mandy. Roughly 892,400 people over the age of 65 live in St. Augustine. As far as we know, every single one of them still has their driver’s license and LOOOOOVES to go over to the beauty salon. Or to the corner store for some TV Dinners.

And they all drive 12 m.p.h.

So, no, this is not a phenomenon singular to you. But we do have a recommendation to get over the road rage: make believe you are a spy. And you are being chased. And all these slow people are conspiring with the Russians to capture you. The only way you can get away is to bob and weave through traffic, leaving all these septuagenarian agents in the dust.

Man, we had one of these last month. How come people keep e-mailing us these sad stories when we all know the ending?

Stephanie, why aren’t you angrier? Not only did this guy hook up with another girl, he apparently did it in public at some party. Maybe you are younger and have just started going to parties where people get really out of control. Because if you have been partying for a few years, you know when it’s time to either a) stop or b) remove yourself from the situation so you don’t mistake a doorknob for your girl and make out with it. This guy didn’t have enough self-control to do either. This is someone you should be with?

And if you are younger, then you clearly aren’t going to marry this guy. So, who cares?

Here’s what you should do: Break up with this dude and start trying to find a guy who will actually treat you right. And while you are single, if you are lonely and need a little action, you can definitely booty call this guy.

Hey, Nate. Tell your sister to SHUT UP. It is actually dishonest not to finish your plate in front of your girl. If you guys are going to be a for-real couple, she needs to know what she is getting into. She needs to know that sometimes you are going to be a fat-ass.

This is a lot like the farting in front of a girl you’re dating question. You HAVE to fart in front of the girl you’re dating. We know a guy who actually did that in front of every girl he dated as a test. Her reaction let him know whether or not she was a keeper.

Girls, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate slobby behavior. But isn’t it better to know your man is going to eat a 2-pound burrito in one sitting earlier in the relationship so you can decide if this is something you can deal with?

Perfect lunch food AND relationship litmus test. Burritos, is there anything you can’t do?