DEAR DRIFT

Every month, the Drift staff will answer your questions about life. No subject is taboo: work sex, love, burritos, music, movies, etiquette, whatever. You ask, we will answer.

Have a question? E-mail us at editor@surfthedrift.com.

Dear Drift,
A few months back I was helping my mom go through some things and discovered she had a box full of porno movies and other “items.” My mom acted like it was no big deal and said, “You shouldn’t be ashamed to have sex.” Growing up I always saw my mom as a prude, the type that didn’t even discuss bra, even when she is shopping for one. Now, every time my boyfriend and I try to watch any sexually explicit movie I can’t get the image of my mom being in one of these out of my head. It’s a real mood killer. How do I get the idea of my mom having sex out of my head and over the fact that my own mom is more sexually adventurous than I am?
– Sexually Frustrated in St A

Dear Sexually Frustrated,
First of all, gold star to you and your man for watching porn together. Couple of things here:
1. Stop watching MILF porn. Immediately. Like, RIGHT NOW.
2. Maybe stop watching porn altogether for a little while. Give it a break. Try something else that’s adventurous, like how many different Publix produce aisles you can get freaky in. You know when you get some awful taste in your mouth and you have to eat something else to get it out? Same theory here.

Dear Drift,
I like sleeping in. I like drinking and cooking big meals with my wife, playing video games, traveling, having a flexible schedule. All my friends tell me and my wife that I HAVE to have kids. Am I allowed to tell them that I like my life and to be miserable on their own time?
– Chris R.

Dear Chris R.,
One THOUSAND percent yes. Yes, yes, and again, yes. Here’s a simple rule: Unless you are totally ready to change your life, do not have a kid. The end. Because it’s a whole different ballgame once Junior hits the ground running. You will find that the longer you last without children, the more people will think you are CRAZY. There will be an awkward social pressure. That is called sleep-deprived jealousy. So, enjoy that extra glass of wine. And never wake up before 10 a.m.

Dear Drift,
I am a professional horse jockey and recently discovered that I am a sleep-eater. I’ve been taking Ambien for insomnia for a few months. Since then, I’ve gained 25 pounds! At first, I thought it was just a side-effect of the medicine. That is, until I woke up with peanut butter smeared all over my pillow. I feel like I have no control and I desperately need to keep my weight down because it’s keeping me from riding. I’ve considered stopping medication but I don’t know how else to deal with my sleep issues. What should I do?
– Sleepless in the Saddle

Dear Sleepless,
We see what you did in that signature there. Looks like the drugs and extra chub aren’t hindering your pun powers! Job first, sleep second. You need to get a handle on the eating. So, stop taking the Ambien and hit the gym. Maybe work out at night so it makes you tired for bed. Also, remove all peanut butter from the shelves. And if that doesn’t work, maybe try some MILF porn.

Dear Drift,
My friend loves the song Midnight Rider by the Allman Brothers. Is he still allowed to be my friend?
– Brian C.

Dear Brian,
Hell no!