Our Trashy Treasures

You know that relative you have? You know, the lunatic. The one you are alternately terrified of and fascinated by? That one. The one who can embarrass you in a thousand ways but still make you laugh your ass off. Everybody has that relative. And as crazy as that person is, you still love ‘em.

That’s a lot like living in Florida. So what if there is a dude walking past you with a mullet, gold chains and a snake carcass draped over his shoulder? We still love it here.

And so in that vein, we present our list of trashy quirks that make Florida so awesome. Some of these traits aren’t necessarily singular to the Sunshine State, but we’re pretty sure this is the only state where ALL of this insane, somehow-lovable stuff could happen at once.

Jorts
Forget being there for the invention of the wheel and fire. We want to be in the Florida swamp where some dude exclaimed, “Good Lawwwwd, it’s HOT! I’m gon’ cut these jeans off at my thighs and get some damn AIR!”

Boiled Peanuts
WTF?

The Coral Castle
Weird and pointless and spectacular, no one knows exactly how or why this Homestead stone wonder was built.

Truck stops
No state does truck stops like Fla. Where else can you go and get a sample of grapefruit juice, a bag of oranges, an Indian headdress, discounted tickets to DisneyWorld, a Harley-Davidson t-shirt and see a “live” 13-foot gator (that is actually green fiberglass)?

Beachnecks
Is there anything greater than some dude trolling the beach in August with no shoes, no shirt and a full-length pair of Wranglers. Hey man, you ever heard of jorts?

Gibsonton
The town that was once a winter vacation spot for circus sideshow “freaks” (such as Lobster boy and Al “the Giant” Tomani) is located near Tampa. It even has a special counter for dwarves at its post office.

Miami
Only copious amounts of illegal drugs could make people think house music, hair gel, and that much neon were acceptable.

Gator heads
Not the orange and blue ones. The actual, miniature, open-mouthed replicas. Our question: What does one actually DO with one of those things when they acquire them (at a truck stop)? Put it on the mantle? Nightstand? Ebay?

Socks with sandals
WTFF?

Postcards with fat people on the beach
This is definitely not a Florida-only phenomenon. But that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

Rapnecks
Fake diamond earrings. Bangin’ system. Hat cocked sideways. Confederate flag tattoo. Didn’t go to school long enough to learn the definition of “irony.”

Old people
You can’t talk Florida without recognizing our slow-driving, irrationally angry elders. However, don’t make too much fun – one day, you too will prefer to buy your $2.19 bottle of prune juice with a check.