How To: Cure A Hangover

By Kelsey May

The sun throws a sucker punch to your aching eyelids, letting you know morning has come. No matter what time it is, it’s too early. Your stomach feels like it just suffered the Tilt-O-Whirl seven times in a row. Your mouth tastes like old people smell. As you squint to steady the shaky room, you’re relieved to find that, yes, you are in your own bed and devoid of the alcohol-enhanced cutie you flirted with all night. So, let the blame-stricken whining to anyone within earshot begin. Why did you let me drink so much? Like a bed-ridden hospital patient, you cry out to your housemates. Water, someone please, waaater.

Most of us regress to infancy when the hangover is in full force. All we want is a magic cure to rid the throbbing head, sore liver and bruised pride. The obvious hangover prevention is to pass on that last shot of Patron, but we’re not here to point fingers. We want you to feel better, so we sought out the bartenders and barflies and trudged through the internet to find out what potions people have invented. Our esteemed editor, Paulette, even offered her wonder drug: Walgreens’ cherry-flavored anti-nausea liquid followed by Chik-Fil-A chicken biscuit, hash browns and a nap. You’ve probably downed a few of these remedies, but some you might be too afraid to try.

The Staple Cures:

• Drink water, then more water

• Take a few swigs of whatever you drank last night

• Sleep

• Gatorade

• Grandma’s chicken soup, because she loves you even when you’re drunk

• Carbs, carbs, we all love carbs

• A nice hot shower

• Dramamine for nausea

• Exercise. Get down and break a sweat. It works if you can peel yourself from the bed

• Bloody Mary

Double Dog Dare You Cures:

• Drink sauerkraut juice; it acts as a nutrient replacement and raunchy breath enhancer

• Eat anchovies; people swear by the salt

• Nibble on burnt toast or charcoal; to soak up the ‘congeneres,’ the chemicals that trigger hangover symptoms. Perhaps flaming ‘smores would be a sweeter fix.

• Mix gin and hot sauce. Have fun with that.

• Do the Hemingway: tomato juice and beer

Mothered by Nature Concoctions:

• Peppermint: Take either in tea form or chew on the leaves to relax your angry intestines

• Ginger: Take 500 mg every few hours or drink tea to soothe your gurgling stomach

• Feverfew: Take in place of Aspirin

• Persimmon: Eat raw for a headache

St. Augustine bartenders have a few of their own mixtures:

• Skip Jackson from the Tavern suggests a grilled salami, garlic, cheese and spicy mustard sandwich. Don’t expect a solid BM.

• Patrons tell Jack’s Brud Helhoski that a banana milkshake with honey is a nice nutrient-filled stomach-coating snack.

• Lindsey Davis at the Dunes Cracker said she’s been told to eat a bagel with pepper jelly and cream cheese.

• Josh Napolitano from The White Lion offers pickle juice as a cure; Poles will tell you the same.

• Heather Call at the Giggling Gator drinks chocolate milk during her hazy mornings.

International Folk Remedies:

• The Chinese: boil roots of various kinds; dandelion, chicory and ginger in water with honey and lemon.

• The Russians: drink the juice squeezed from a cucumber.

• Those Norwegians: drink heavy cream before and after the festivities; ice cream will suffice.

• Irish Loonies: are said to bury the ailing person in moist river sand.

• The Japanese: soak fish in lemon and raw onions for two days then they add hot sauce and eat it with popcorn and beer. Whatever.

• The Americans: eat their hamburgers and Freedom fries.

• Native Americans: eat six raw almonds before drinking.

• The Jewish and Arabians: drink a small glass of olive oil before and after the party.

• Southerners: boil fresh mint, celery, parsley, garlic, cinnamon sticks and chunks of ginger ‘to death.’

• Africans: eat peanut butter before drinking.

You probably shouldn’t:

• Drink coffee; caffeine will only dehydrate you more

• Take Aspirin because you’re blood is thin enough already

• Go to work