News of the Weird: December

By Chuck Shepherd

Close but No Cigar

The 2,600 members of the Minnesota National Guard returned recently from extended duty in Iraq, which was reportedly the longest consecutive deployment of any outfit (22 months, counting extensions). However, the Guardsmen still do not qualify for government education benefits. The law allows the benefits only for those on “active duty” at least 730 days, but the Minnesota Guard’s orders (as well as some other outfits’ orders), were specifically written for “729 days.”

Ashes to Powder

As an alternative to burial, cremation is no longer green enough, say environmentalists, because it releases smoke and mercury, and thus the industry is considering “promession,” in which the body is frozen in liquid nitrogen to minus 320 degrees (F) and then shaken until it disintegrates into powder. For green burials, the United States has at least six cemeteries that require biodegradable casings and for bodies to be free of embalming chemicals. The Forever Fernwood cemetery in Mill Valley, Calif., goes even further, according to an October Los Angeles Times story, banning grave markers, but, said the owner, “We issue the family a Google map with the GPS coordinates” so they can find their loved one.

School Security

MJ Safety Solutions of Danvers, Mass., has developed a $195 bullet-proof backpack for students, using a lightweight, police-equipment-quality panel, and is seeking approvals from school boards to promote them, according to an August Boston Herald report. Also, Britain’s Bladerunner company has developed student jumpers and blazers lined with knife-resistant Kevlar, starting at the equivalent of about $260, according to an August BBC News story.

Bad Decisions

In September, Matt Wilkinson admitted to KGW-TV of Portland, Ore., that he had been in a coma for three days recently and nearly died after he decided to stick his pet Eastern diamondback rattlesnake into his mouth while drinking with some buddies: “Me, being me, I put his head in my mouth.” A doctor told the station that Wilkinson barely made it to the hospital in time, because his airway had nearly swollen shut from the venomous bites. Wilkinson said that the incident was “kind of” his “own stupid fault.”

More Things to Worry About

As several sightings were made around Washington, D.C., of dragonfly-looking bugs hovering in the air at political events, government agencies were denying that they had released any tiny surveillance robots, according to an October Washington Post investigation. “I look up and I’m like, ‘What the hell is that?’” said a college student at an antiwar rally in Washington. “They looked kind of like dragonflies or little helicopters. But … those are not insects.” Several agencies and private entities admitted to the Post that they were trying to develop such devices, but no one took credit for having them in the air yet.

Crunk Nunnery

The Catholic archbishop overseeing a convent near Bari, Italy, closed it down in August after the mother superior was attacked and beaten by her two nuns, who were angry at her authoritarian ways.